I follow a few ADHD groups on social media, and often see posts from exhausted, desperate parents who love their ADHD children but are in despair at how to deal with them. That is why I have written this – it may not work for every ADHD child because all are different, but there are also shared cognitive styles, and so it will work with some. I know this because I eventually figured out through self reflection and my research what would have worked with me, and have applied that to my ADHD son… it works with him.
Reflecting on my own childhood, I remember a cycle of constant friction. I had good parents who tried their best, but they were operating without a crucial piece of information: I had ADHD. They could not have known that standard parenting practices, which might work for a neurotypical child, were entirely ineffective on me. Instead of backing down, I would double down. I did not know it at the time, but as is standard with ADHD, I was fueled by a conviction that my own logic was correct and they simply weren’t listening. The ADHD drive for forward progression (with a goal of whatever I wanted at that time) meant a constant battle in which I must go as far as I had to, to ‘defeat’ them and win. I was not aware of easier, better alternatives where everybody could win – my parents did not know to present me with them in explicit ways that would have worked with me.
The engine behind much of this was frustration – frustration of not feeling heard out, or at least not properly. Some of that came down to an inability to communicate effectively, often trying to ‘make my case’ by arguing it, going off on tangents to justify my position, and going into a rage if I was not being listened to. It’s not easy on the parents, the listening to what they might well know as flawed logic. Parents often do not have the time to debate every little thing with their child. They got used to me over-reacting to things, and that despite me demanding to be listened to, that I myself was not listening to them – but neither side were really processing what got said, people don’t when they are defensive, frustrated, or exhausted.
The lack of emotional control led me down a dark path: expulsion from school, constant fights, and trouble with the law. I nearly ended up in prison. It was only later, while pursuing a PhD on ADHD, that I really began to understand the mechanics of my own brain. When my son was born and began to mirror my childhood behaviours, I recognised the what was happening. I began applying a strategy based on what I believe would have worked on me.
The High Stakes of ADHD’s Anger Management
It is essential to help an ADHD child control their anger. If left unmanaged, the “school-to-prison pipeline” is a very real danger. Statistics show that ADHD individuals are significantly over-represented in school expulsions, prisons, job termination records, and substance abuse – not to mention the impact on relationships. This is often because the impulsive, defiant reactions developed in childhood carry over into adulthood with much higher stakes.
Shouting or using immediate, heavy-handed punishment often backfires. It makes the child defensive, and because of the way the ADHD brain processes dopamine and conflict, they will rarely back down. To break this cycle, you must act like a “machine.” You are a system that can only be communicated with when the child is in a calm state. You cannot be coerced, but you can be negotiated with… calmly, and only calmly.
ADHD children (and many of us ADHD adults) are prone to over-reaction. With some learned metacognition, we can get better at managing this. But with children, we need to give them some help in connecting those particular dots.
1. Explicitly Demonstrate Cause and Effect
Most parents assume children will naturally “make the connection” between their behaviour and the result. For a child with ADHD, this connection is often missing or obscured by emotional fog. You must explain the logic repeatedly and patiently every single time.
Use the “dangle the carrot” method. If they want something, make sure they see that goal clearly. When they react with anger, explain explicitly: “This reaction just made it worse. This behaviour stopped you from getting what you wanted.” Show them that the “carrot” is moving further away by postponing their reward, and make sure they understand that it is because of their choice. They must come to understand that they get to control how distant that reward is, and that it moves closer when they are calm, further away when they are not. Offer to bring it closer the moment they show a positive shift. They need to see the logic in real time, over and over, until the pattern sticks.
2. Short-Term Cycles and the “Off-Ramp”
ADHD brains struggle with long-term consequences. A week-long ban from a video game feels like an eternity and loses its value at the time, because it may as well be ‘never’. Instead, use short, sharp punishments and rewards that provide immediate feedback.
If a child reacts with anger, tell them they must now wait five minutes for their desired item. If they continue, it becomes ten. Crucially, ask them directly: “Do you want to escalate this or de-escalate it?” (They will learn these terms from the context in which they are used) Then, confirm their choice by their behaviour. If they scream, say: “You have chosen to escalate; the wait is now longer.” And repeat.
But… always provide an “off-ramp.” Make them aware that they can reduce or remove the punishment by being calm. This teaches them that they are the ones in control of the outcome, not just you. Witnessing the goal get closer or further away based on their own choices is the only way the lesson becomes tangible.
3. The Power of Calm Negotiation
One of the greatest triggers for ADHD rage is the feeling of being ignored or “shouted down.” You must listen to them. Allow them to make their case and explain their reasoning. Even if their logic is flawed, actively listen and discuss it with them.
However, there is one non-negotiable rule: the negotiation can only happen if they are calm. Explain to them: “I am listening to you because you are being calm. You are managing your emotions well, so now we can discuss a compromise.” This rewards the effort it takes for them to regulate themselves. You must let them have some kind of win from doing this – there must be a compromise, so that they learn being calm gets them closer to what they want.
If they become aggressive, the “machine” clicks back into place. The discussion ends, and the punishment stands. They must not feel that being stubborn or “kicking off” is a viable way to get what they want. You must be prepared to go further than they are, proving that their rage is an ineffective tool.
The Importance of Consistency
This approach requires total consistency from all parents, guardians, and, where possible, teachers. As an ADHD child grows older, their stubbornness can become more ingrained. These methods must be applied as much as possible, as difficult as that may be.
It is a long road, and it will take a significant amount of time to see permanent changes. While it may not be a universal method for every child, it is a method rooted in both research and experience. By removing the “win/loss” power struggle and replacing it with a clear, logical system of self-control, you give them the tools they need to navigate a better future for themselves.
It is easier said than done, though. While me may see this as ‘training’ our kids to manage their emotions, we must also as parents be training ourselves – even knowing the above I find myself not always following it, I try to be consistent but there is not always the time or patience to apply it, it’s difficult if you’re trying to get them out the door for the school run, worried about being late for work, or if you’re tired from a poor night of sleep, distracted by some of life’s looming challenges. But I have applied it as much as I have been able – I know it’s what would have worked for me, and it works with me son. He used to over-react often, fly into a rage. Now that is no longer automatic, occasionally it will be about to happen and he will take a moment, think it through, calm himself and make his case. That did not happen overnight, and I am still far from the perfect parent by any means – but over time, tantrums went from being every day to rare.